Semi-structured activities ease difficult social, relational and emotional situations by allowing you to focus on something other than the anxiety-provoking elements of the social setting, the relational tension or your own uncomfortable reactions.
In Social Situations: Say you’re looking to meet people You consider the pressures of having to present yourself, to fit in; to look confident., to make conversation. Ugh! Yet you know you need to. The easier way to get to know others is to be part of a semi-structured activity – a bowling team , a bridge game, a volunteer activity, a cooking class, dance lessons, a quilting bee – anything that allows or even requires people to interact around a particular focus. In this kind of setting, you naturally get to know people as you talk about the task at hand. How you come across will have more to do with how well you bowl, stitch or lighten things with humor than with what you wear or who you come with.
In Relationships: It can be easier to converse or to discuss difficult topics while doing some fairly mindless task together – folding laundry, gardening, cooking, having tea, taking a walk, playing cards. It takes some of the pressure off of having to look into each others’ eyes and having to figure out what to say.
Dr. Tina’s Aside; Twenty-five years ago, I needed to tell my friend Keren that our single motherhood twosome was about to come to an end as I was planning to re-marry. I felt sad and a bit guilty. I suggested we play a game of Pisha Paysha* a no-skill card game that required some concentration but still allowed us to relate around the real topic without having to overly focus on our conflicting emotions.
* Pisha Paysha Instructions: You each then alternate turning over one card each and putting it to the side – one person gets the right and one the left. If the card is the next in the series of the other person’s deck, you can place it on his deck -if he has a Jack, for example, and you turn over a Queen you put it on his deck and then you go again. When an ace is turned over it is placed above the decks – one at a time, by suit – and when anyone turns over a card that is next in the series according to suit, it must be placed up there and then he goes again – if you turn over a 3 of clubs and the 2 of clubs is up there, you add it and go again. After you’ve turned over all the cards, each of you picks up your deck and plays from that, turning over one at a time again according to the rules above. The idea is to get rid of all your cards.
Within Ourselves: When bad moods or anxiety make it hard to be with others or to do anything “worthwhile”, it can help to do something that is productive in a small way – sorting socks, lining shelves, knitting, planting, crossword puzzles. When we’re in such moods, the world can seem chaotic, dismal and frightening. Any activity that helps organize or contain stuff, eases our emotional system.